Saturday, April 24, 2010

Dear Crickets





Please stop your incessant chirping. I am not interested. Why are you chirping?? I can only think of the following excuses:





1. You hate me


You must have some weird grudge against me. Maybe I stepped on one of your children and this is your form of payback. Well I'm not quite sure what you are trying to achieve but if you are trying to irritate me I can tell you that its working.



2. Your queen has died and you are participating in a memorial service for her

I dont even know if crickets have queens. If you are that interested GOOGLE IT!!



3. You have lost your child and are trying to find it

YOU HAVE BEEN CHIRPING FOR HOURS YOUR KID ISNT HERE!!

4. You are aliens calling for the mothership

Get the hell out of here and stop eating my chickens!!!

I dont know crickets. You must have some weird insane reason, I just really dont care.

Yours Sincerely
Sarah

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

One more thing...

WHY WONT YOU FOLLOW ME!!
You know who you are becca cough liora cough danya cough sam cough!!!

When you dont follow me I shed a tear of sadness :'(

Monday, April 19, 2010

How to be Awesome... a guide

Here it is... My manual of awesome (literally). The procrastination monster is sitting next to me but it was a choice of the manual or math homework. I don't know... what sounds more appealing to you? Here it goes...



How to be Awesome
By Captain Awesome



Being awesome is an art. It isn't easy to gain awesomeness, even with an awesome mentor. This manual will hopefully help you on the track to become awesome.



Steps:

1. Grow a dinosaur in your backyard

Dinosaurs are the epitome of awesome. So it goes without saying that if you have a dinosaur you will be awesome too. Buy a dinosaur seed from your local market and plant it in a large, shady area. Roar to it once a week and bury some raw meat in the ground near it occasionally. In a month or two, you will have a dinosaur of your very own.



2.Wear a different hat every day

Nobody likes a person who wears the same hat every day. Mix it up a little. One dear you can wear your meat hat and another day you can wear your joker hat.



3.Drink a cup of awesome juice weekly

Awesome juice is a rare juice from the plant of awesome, found only on the planet of awesome. To get there you must picture yourself once you are awesome and there you will be, at the plant of awesome. Be careful only to take one fruit at a time and not to be too greedy, the plant will not like that. Don't eat the actual fruit either or you will turn into a sixty foot catus made of tin cans.

4.Throw glitter at everybody you see
I don't think there is anybody alive who doesn't love glitter, so why not throw some around? That sure will make you awesomer!

5. Be yourself
I am obligated to put this here seeing as if I dont Jill will run away and I don't want Jill to run away. He eats my reflux! So I guess you can be yourself if you want to. Or alternativley be yourself but add some AWESOME FLAKES!!

Warnings
  • Although dinosaurs are awesome they also have the potential to eat you. Be careful and be sure not to get the dinosaur angry/hungry
  • WATER YOUR DINOSAUR PLANT! It is essential that you do so or you will explode
  • If your hat isn't different people will shun you... who wears the same hat every day? pah!
  • When you go to get your awesome fruit from the awesome tree be careful not to wake up the monster of awesome or you will be trapped on the planet of awesome FOREVER!!!
  • Dont throw glitter into people's eyes

Tips

  • If you have the guts, learning to ride your dinosaur will give you an extra billion awesome points
  • Unicorn glitter is the best type of glitter!
  • Once you think you have achieved the epitome of awesome try to add awesome somewhere into your name. Be creative!

If I were ruler of the universe...

I will make a manual I swear... my procrastination is just screaming at me from the other room. So I was in the shower and I tried to squeeze some soap out of the bottle when a huge giant blob just randomly came out. I stared at it angrily... there was no way that I was going to bother opening up the cap to put some back... If I were ruler of the universe this wouldn't happen. That got me thinking of what an awesome ruler I would be. I think my rulershipness would work out one of three ways.

1. The massive bitch
This is probably the least likely of the three. First, my rulership would start out well. I would put an end to all wars and negotiate things. Then I would distribute food and shelter to those how didn't have any (If you are wondering whose funding this... well I'm bitchy queen, I have an infinite source of cash!). Then I would begin to get all greedy and make everybody in places of high power (eg. Prime Minister and President) to have to resort to me for all decisions made. I would also create a rule that only I am the queen and I will inherit my power when I am dead because I am and always will be queen of the universe. At this point I would also probably refuse to marry anybody in case a. the public likes him better or b. he tries to overthrow me. Then I would get all paranoid that people are trying to overthrow me and I will send search parties to search for the non-believers. Once I find them I will be all... SMITE SMITE SMITE.

As my life progressed I would probably get bitchier and bitchier and die alone. People would also probably try to overthrow me despite my efforts. But it will be OK because then I can go SMITE SMITE SMITE.

2. Super optimistic robot
I will probabley begin my reign in the same way as bitchy queen but I wouldn't get greedy because super optimistic robot queen is PERFECT. This is probabley very unlikely too. So pretty much, after I feed everybody and end war and all that I will sprinkle my happy queen dust over the world. I will be the queen of perfectness and kiss babies and stuff (not in a pervert way... in a non-pervert way). I will marry the perfect man who helps me rule and have perfect little babies and live in perfect castle and rule the perfect world which isn't really perfect and everybody will put on happy faces under their ANGER.

3. Realistic Ruler
I would rule well for a while. Spread my awesomeness around the world. Then I would probably get bored and eat cookies while other people do my work for me. Then when I turn 18, my grandmother (who has turned into my queen coach) tells me to get my ass into gear and rule the world with an iron fist and stop eating cookies. So alongside Jill, who had recentley bathed, I will march out into the world and rule it OKish.

For the like... two people who actually read my blog you are welcome to vote on which queen you would prefer. I am going to get some cookies with Jill.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

How much does a solicitors manual weigh?

IT WEIGHS A HELL OF A LOT!! I do not joke.
My mum, aka super retired lawyer or srl, has a big giant book on the shelf that says solicitors manual. I dont suggest you read it unless you are planning on falling asleep.

What up with them manuals?
If they have manuals on how to be a lawyer they should have manuals about important things like how to make a flame-thrower out of household tools or how to get Jill to stop eating the cookies in my pantry. Someday when my procrastination is sleeping I will make a manual and it wont weigh the same as a house and it will be like a glass full of awesome!

I am a model!
I am sitting here in my stunning, overlarge school uniform getting ready for school and I am looking pretty sexy if I dont say so myself. And I dont. Nobody in a billion years can pull this uniform off SO PEOPLE SHOULD STOP TRYING.

I'm off... time for boring town/school :)

If I had a million skirts



I was sitting and staring at my ceiling when I asked myself... what would I do if I had a million skirts... here are 6 ideas



1. Find an alternate source of energy

Everything these days can be turned into a renewable energy source... so why not skirts? It will be called skirtigy and will use the awesome power of skirts combined with the spirits of dinosaurs to create efficient and dino-tastic energy


2. Turn them into ponchos for your cats

Cats, dogs, rats, armadillos ANY animal really will just love the new pet ponchos!! Pet ponchos would be so cool... The Queen would dress all of her little dogs up in them and then take a stroll in the garden in matching ponchos!!



3.Play pick-a-wall


Its similar to pick-a-boo except not. You cover your eyes with a skirt and then run around the room until you run into a wall.

4. Become a skirtibal

When in doubt eat it out!! There is no reason why you cant eat your skirts! Fried, sauteed, grilled or baked skirts are low in fat and high in fibre


5. Sew them all together to make a sail for your new boat!!

Skirts are very aerodynamic

6. Wear them

I dont know why this isn't number 1....

You have no idea how tired I really am

Do you know what isnt a good idea?? Setting up a blog account when you are half asleep..


I was lying in bed and I looked at the clock..7:00. I then burst out laughing because I thought of how insanely funny it would be if it were 11:11 and I could make a wish. I know! Its hilarious!!


So then I began an internal dialogue with myself that went kind of like this...



Me: GO TO SLEEP GO TO SLEEP GO TO SLEEP


Other Me: No maam... I am a lone cowgirl.. nobody can tie me down!


Me: GO TO SLEEP GO TO SLEEP GO TO SLEEP


OM (hahahahahaha): YOU CANT MAKE ME!! I control you... I AM YOUR MASTER!!!


Me: GO TO SLEEP GO TO SLEEP GO TO SLEEP


OM: Do you know what would be fun??? Making a blog... get up and make a blog Sarah


Me: NOOOOO.... Ok fine


Me is very easy to pursuade... It often gets her into sticky situations like the characters on sitcoms I dont watch because there is no way I can stay faithful to a show!! My attention span is the size of a bumble bee... maybe smaller



I just had a brilliant idea!! We could make a device that measures people's attention spans... it can be called the 'measures people's attention span device'. When somebody makes it refer them back to me and tell them that I need to get all of the credit... ITS MY IDEA DONT STEAL IT!!! Just make it and give me all of the profits.


That is Swimmy, the attention span measuring machine thing. He has three buttons a smiley face and a tube/tape measure on the side. What more could you want? Nothing, thats what.

My mum just came in..


Mum: I thought you were asleep

Me: NOOOOO


Mum: Whats in your country road bag


Me: My clothes and stuff from last night


Mum: Aren't you going to unpack that?


Me: Meh... I'll do it tommorow


Mum: NOOOO do it now...


I then mumbled a lot and unpacked my bag and my mum left

I really dont want to end this entry because that would mean that I would feel all guilty about not being in bed... also now I am in my hyper stage of tiredness and my reflux is KILLING ME!!! not literally killing me... just figurativley


We should make a reflux eating monster... I'll call im Lucky... Lucky will be my new amigo, my new pally... Yes somebody else invent one please


I should sleep now... I bet you I will end this blog post and post like... a bizillion updates... or just make a new blog for me to ramble on... YOU WILL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH!!!!



UPDATE: I have created Lucky... except his name isn't Lucky anymore... it's Jill



I am an ARTIST...

Jill is the cooliest... he is protected by a horde of ninjas and wears a beanie. NOT A BIKINI YOU SICK MINDED FOOOL!!! A beanie.